Time for a change

I finally got the courage to tell my boss I would soon be leaving. I had been wanting to tell her for a while now, but every time I thought about it I felt sick to the stomach. I felt like I was letting the business down,, like if I left I was doing an awful thing. My boss was very surprised but unbelievably lovely. She wished me all the best in my travels and said I would be missed. What a relief. I have had a good time working with my team. The 3pm finishes on Friday, occasional free clothes from suppliers and the trip to Hong Kong were definite bonuses,  but it is time for a change. I am excited and scared. I have no idea where I am going to end up but it's something I have to do. Below is a short piece I wrote a little while back when I was feeling unsure about life and where I was heading.

I don’t want to wake up in 25 years and wonder what I did with my life. I don’t want to be that woman in the grocery store with sad and tired eyes. I don’t want to be looking at old photographs and crying for a life that I once had. I definitely don’t want to wake up being an oversized version of myself wondering why I didn’t do all the things that I wanted.

There have been days where I have felt overwhelmed with the choices and decisions that I have had to make. I blame society for the pressure. From the moment you are in high school you have to choose your path, you have to choose if you want to study math or P.E, science or art, English or French. Its no wonder by the time we hit our 20’s we’re a little confused about where our life is heading. It took me 5 years out of school to realize what I wanted to do with my life and although I now know what I want to do, I cant help but a feel a little behind in the race. I feel like I’m lagging in 4^th place and want to fast forward to when I’m seeing that shiny trophy with my name on it.

I have had certain days where I wake up and think that I should be somewhere else right now, I’m 26, an adult, I should be owning a home, I should have savings, I should have a serious relationship and I should be a better me. Then there are the days where I think, I’m only 26, it’s ok that I don’t have a house, it’s ok to spend my money on whatever I like. I’ve got years ahead of me to achieve what I want.

I’m only in my mid 20’s and there have been moments where all I’ve wanted to do was hit the pause button and take a big nap from my life. I’ve wanted to run away when things got too heavy and I’ve had to take the time to evaluate where my life was heading. It’s a quarter life crisis. Id only ever heard of a mid life crisis, you know, It’s when the 50 year old man decides to trade in his car and wife for a better model, he joins a gym, he starts to wear aviators and drowns himself in Beckhams cologne hoping to somehow transform himself into a better more youthful being. You’ll see him at your favourite bar with a corona and an iphone trying to look the part, trying to desperately impress the stunning 25 year old women who he prays he may have a chance with. 

For a woman, I imagine a mid life crisis is when she looks in the mirror and wonders where the hell her perfectly perky breasts went, where her teeny tiny waist has gotten to and how on earth all those fine lines suddenly crept onto her once delicate looking face, that is until she realizes she left her dreams along with her body in the past to raise a family and work in a job she never much liked. She’ll curse herself for not going to the gym and swear to never eat an ounce of fat again. She’ll look into botox and into her daughters wardrobe for an instant lift me up and she’ll wish she could just go back and do the things on her “ to do list”.

My “to do list” is constantly changing. I change my mind all the time. One minute I am happy where I am, and then the next minute I want a complete change. I recently went to visit a friend who has a new addition to her family, a beautiful baby girl. After spending several hours with her and her husband gooing and ga gaing over their precious bundle of joy I stared to feel like maybe, just maybe this is what I wanted. Ok, so yes I am not in a serious relationship, hell Im not even in a relationship, but being around my friend and seeing how amazingly happy and at peace she felt I wanted a part of it. 

After leaving my friends house and feeling a tug for my own family I had a rush of thoughts in my head. “You’re STILL single, you’re nearly 27, a lot of your friends are married, they have houses, they have babies, they are settled, when will you find someone, will you find someone? What if you’re 40 and still SINGLE?” I know I was probably overreacting, my mind constantly overreacts and over analyses everything. I tell it to stop, but does it listen to me? NO.

The one good thing about how my mind works is that after the overanalyzing is finished and the anxiety fades away (normally after a wine or two) my thinking again changes. “It’s OK that you’re single. You will find someone. Yes you’re friends are married with babies and they have houses and what appears to be a perfect life. But…..they have a mortgage, they have sleepless nights, they have to deal with nappies and teething and breastfeeding. They have to be responsible….ALL.THE.TIME.

My mind can quickly talk me out of wanting one thing to suddenly wanting another. It’s always extreme. My mind likes to soak up other peoples ideas and ways of life. It’s always looking for a new path to follow. My mind will be walking down easy street one minute, perfectly happy, then it will see some green grass over on “family” street and cross the road to have a look. Bored staring at the green grass and realising there would be way too much upkeep on that lawn my mind takes a few steps over to “party” street. Party street is where all the fun is. There are drinks, loud music, dancing and an unbelievable array of men.  My mind only likes to visit “party” street every so often, it enjoys itself for a short while but gets tired and feels too old so it likes to go and have a rest on “sensible” street. Sensible street is always the “fall back” to street. My mind likes and then hates the routine of sensible street. Sure it feels safe there but after a year or so of the same thing everyday my mind wanders……walking the streets looking for a new path.

I wonder sometimes if I will ever feel 100% settled. I believe life is about finding happiness and love. It’s not that I am not happy, I am, I have just always been the kind of person who wants “more”. Once I have experienced one thing and have gotten bored I want to try something new, I can not continue to live a monotonous life, that’s one thing my mind can not ever talk me in to. There is nothing wrong with wanting new experiences; they are making up my life. I just wish that one day I will find my place and my mind will find its “happily content” street and stay put……surely it’s getting tired from all the walking.